Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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