It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
