You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
