well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
