I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
