Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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