oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
