Ambien. No doubt about it.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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