see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
