Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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