I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
