Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
