You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
