Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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