every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
