Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
