are you still at the devil's house?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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