I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
