Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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