Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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