I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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