I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
