He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
