i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
