I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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