so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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