Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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