I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
