The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
