I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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