Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
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Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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