Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
