Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i've created a new STD.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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