I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
