I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
