You made me cry and you don't even care
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize