dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
His nipple licking is glorious
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