so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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