Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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