Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
