Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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