I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
