He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
