someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
