I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
