These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
