her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
