Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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