The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
