my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
