I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
being pregnant is like rehab
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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