When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
