It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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