Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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