I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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