what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
