if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
