Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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